1 00:00:24,782 --> 00:00:27,222 Shouldn't drive with that. Blind spot. 2 00:00:27,324 --> 00:00:29,020 - Yeah, I know. - It's dangerous, Harold. 3 00:00:29,122 --> 00:00:30,460 That's illegal. 4 00:00:30,562 --> 00:00:31,759 Phew! 5 00:00:36,099 --> 00:00:37,298 It's meant to commemorate Dad, 6 00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:39,003 but if we don't plant it soon, it'll die. 7 00:00:39,105 --> 00:00:40,836 Which would make it not a memorial of Dad - 8 00:00:40,938 --> 00:00:41,940 more of a re-enactment. 9 00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:44,072 But today's not good cos I've got Widow Club 10 00:00:44,174 --> 00:00:45,634 with Billie and Jean and Pamela. 11 00:00:45,736 --> 00:00:47,706 - Pamela's not a widow. - I know, 12 00:00:47,808 --> 00:00:50,547 but Jean worries that she's lonely. It's annoying. 13 00:00:50,649 --> 00:00:52,112 Sweet, though. 14 00:00:52,214 --> 00:00:54,415 We have good fun, to be fair. 15 00:00:54,517 --> 00:00:57,153 We have our own secret handshake, like the Masons. 16 00:00:57,256 --> 00:00:59,117 - I'd like to see that. - Yeah, well, you can't. 17 00:00:59,219 --> 00:01:00,392 You're not a widow. 18 00:01:04,330 --> 00:01:06,799 - Pigfish has struck again. - Oh, no, don't tell me. 19 00:01:06,901 --> 00:01:08,229 I've got to buy him a chippy tea. 20 00:01:08,331 --> 00:01:10,666 Neha, he's a criminal, not a stray cat. 21 00:01:11,796 --> 00:01:13,303 I just want to keep him out of trouble. 22 00:01:13,405 --> 00:01:16,202 He is the trouble. He puts petrol pumps up his arse. 23 00:01:16,304 --> 00:01:18,067 It's a cry for help, Harry. 24 00:01:18,169 --> 00:01:20,270 If you did that, would you want to be judged, or cared for? 25 00:01:20,372 --> 00:01:21,308 I wouldn't do it. 26 00:01:21,410 --> 00:01:22,939 You can't say that with any certainty. 27 00:01:23,041 --> 00:01:25,049 I'd have to be at a pretty low ebb to start doing that. 28 00:01:25,152 --> 00:01:26,850 And anyway, you know, petrol makes me sneeze. 29 00:01:26,952 --> 00:01:28,381 Right. Look, I'm gonna be late. 30 00:01:28,483 --> 00:01:30,483 Er, can you pick the boys up tonight? 31 00:01:30,586 --> 00:01:33,087 - Yeah, course, yeah. - Good lad. Love you. 32 00:01:33,190 --> 00:01:35,052 - I love you. Woof-woof. - Meow! 33 00:01:35,155 --> 00:01:36,458 Woof-woof. 34 00:01:37,755 --> 00:01:39,427 - Tea, wasn't it? - Yes, please. 35 00:01:39,529 --> 00:01:42,167 Well, we haven't got any bags, so that's coffee. 36 00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:44,565 Actually, we haven't got any milk, so that's Yakult. 37 00:01:48,767 --> 00:01:51,007 Do you mind if I stretch while we chat? 38 00:01:51,109 --> 00:01:53,041 It's very important after jogging. 39 00:01:53,143 --> 00:01:54,743 Right. Except you don't jog. 40 00:01:54,845 --> 00:01:56,646 Of course I jog. 41 00:01:56,748 --> 00:01:57,839 You just saw me. 42 00:01:57,941 --> 00:01:59,642 Are you joking? That was not jogging. 43 00:01:59,744 --> 00:02:01,313 - What was it, then? - Walking. 44 00:02:01,415 --> 00:02:02,919 You're wearing furry slippers. 45 00:02:03,021 --> 00:02:04,781 Harold, would you for once, 46 00:02:04,883 --> 00:02:07,518 for the love of God and all that is holy, 47 00:02:07,620 --> 00:02:09,962 not find something to criticise? 48 00:02:10,064 --> 00:02:11,586 Yeah, sorry. I mean, I did bring a list, 49 00:02:11,688 --> 00:02:12,863 but I guess that can wait. 50 00:02:12,965 --> 00:02:14,894 But I'm very glad you're here. 51 00:02:14,996 --> 00:02:16,900 Clearly. 52 00:02:17,002 --> 00:02:18,402 I've got something for you. 53 00:02:18,504 --> 00:02:20,997 Oh, no. You've not been to the charity shop again, have you? 54 00:02:28,208 --> 00:02:29,776 Jesus Christ. 55 00:02:29,878 --> 00:02:33,351 The money from your dad's life insurance finally came through. 56 00:02:33,453 --> 00:02:36,314 In cash? What did you do? Take insurance out with a cartel? 57 00:02:36,416 --> 00:02:38,385 No, that was my decision. 58 00:02:38,487 --> 00:02:40,090 You know how I feel about the banks 59 00:02:40,192 --> 00:02:41,919 after what they did to Noel Edmonds. 60 00:02:43,489 --> 00:02:45,764 There you are. £10,000. 61 00:02:45,866 --> 00:02:47,661 I'll get you a carrier bag. 62 00:02:49,998 --> 00:02:51,170 My God! 63 00:02:52,806 --> 00:02:56,002 Harold! What's wrong? 64 00:02:56,104 --> 00:02:57,440 Are you crying? 65 00:02:58,541 --> 00:03:00,837 Oh, sorry. I thought I was cheering you up. 66 00:03:00,939 --> 00:03:03,248 What, by reducing my dad to a bag of cash? 67 00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:06,581 Well, I was impressed by how much we got for him. 68 00:03:10,013 --> 00:03:11,850 I didn't think I'd miss him like this. 69 00:03:13,050 --> 00:03:15,821 It's just, you know, on TV shows, people say, 70 00:03:15,923 --> 00:03:18,056 you know, "She's my mum, but she's also my best friend." 71 00:03:18,158 --> 00:03:19,525 Yeah. 72 00:03:19,627 --> 00:03:21,833 Well, obviously we've never had that. 73 00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:24,167 - Mm-hm. - Now he's not here, 74 00:03:24,269 --> 00:03:27,330 I've realised Dad was my best friend. 75 00:03:27,432 --> 00:03:28,832 Oh, Harold. 76 00:03:28,935 --> 00:03:32,109 You really should have friends your own age. 77 00:03:32,211 --> 00:03:34,336 You're all right, though, aren't you? 78 00:03:34,438 --> 00:03:35,578 Yeah. 79 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:38,682 Sort of. I mean, the doctor's put me on antidepressants. 80 00:03:38,784 --> 00:03:40,378 What? He hasn't. 81 00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:41,910 It was a she, actually. 82 00:03:42,012 --> 00:03:44,086 Harold, why have they done that to you? 83 00:03:44,188 --> 00:03:45,519 You're not depressed, are you? 84 00:03:45,621 --> 00:03:48,026 You've got nothing to be depressed about. 85 00:03:48,128 --> 00:03:49,355 Why didn't you come and talk to me? 86 00:03:49,457 --> 00:03:50,588 It's not a big deal. It's not. 87 00:03:50,690 --> 00:03:52,020 I mean, lots of people take them. 88 00:03:52,122 --> 00:03:54,362 Yeah, but they're people from broken homes, 89 00:03:54,464 --> 00:03:56,860 tattooed wackits with proper problems. 90 00:03:56,963 --> 00:04:00,297 Like, um, Pigfish, you know Pigfish in town? 91 00:04:00,399 --> 00:04:01,438 Oh, yeah. Yeah. 92 00:04:01,540 --> 00:04:03,866 Yeah. You know that he puts petrol pumps up his...? 93 00:04:03,968 --> 00:04:05,308 - Yeah, I know. - Right. Did you know 94 00:04:05,410 --> 00:04:07,004 that Pamela has to clean off the nozzles? 95 00:04:07,106 --> 00:04:10,140 If anyone should be on antidepressants, it's her. 96 00:04:10,242 --> 00:04:11,313 Mm. 97 00:04:11,415 --> 00:04:13,846 I didn't know you felt like this. 98 00:04:15,054 --> 00:04:16,618 Didn't know you felt anything. 99 00:04:18,923 --> 00:04:20,391 Is it my fault? 100 00:04:21,528 --> 00:04:23,158 No. 101 00:04:23,260 --> 00:04:25,930 Maybe a bit is, you know, 85%. 102 00:04:26,032 --> 00:04:27,792 But I can't pin it all on you. 103 00:04:27,894 --> 00:04:30,029 No, because your dad deserves his fair share. 104 00:04:31,804 --> 00:04:32,804 Harold... 105 00:04:32,906 --> 00:04:35,164 - I'm sorry. - So am I. 106 00:04:41,208 --> 00:04:42,204 What? 107 00:04:43,883 --> 00:04:45,944 Nothing. I just... 108 00:04:47,851 --> 00:04:49,379 Oh. 109 00:04:49,481 --> 00:04:51,719 - Um... - Mum? 110 00:04:53,518 --> 00:04:55,019 Look. 111 00:04:56,820 --> 00:04:58,927 Can you keep a secret? 112 00:04:59,029 --> 00:05:00,057 What is it? 113 00:05:01,933 --> 00:05:03,368 Wait there. 114 00:05:27,189 --> 00:05:28,723 Oh, my God. 115 00:05:30,894 --> 00:05:32,122 Dad. 116 00:05:33,164 --> 00:05:34,762 I didn't want to do it. 117 00:06:09,569 --> 00:06:12,399 Now, you're probably wondering what's been going on. 118 00:06:12,501 --> 00:06:14,104 - No, not at all. - Oh. 119 00:06:14,206 --> 00:06:16,468 I think he's being sarcastic. 120 00:06:16,570 --> 00:06:17,701 Are you being sarcastic? 121 00:06:17,803 --> 00:06:19,240 Of course I'm being sarcastic! 122 00:06:19,342 --> 00:06:20,309 Why didn't you tell me? 123 00:06:20,411 --> 00:06:22,376 Well, we thought it best to lie low 124 00:06:22,478 --> 00:06:24,277 until the money came through. 125 00:06:24,379 --> 00:06:25,512 They're very nosy, 126 00:06:25,614 --> 00:06:27,117 - those insurance people. - Yeah. 127 00:06:27,219 --> 00:06:28,676 Some might say for good reason. 128 00:06:28,778 --> 00:06:29,716 Mm, fair point. 129 00:06:29,819 --> 00:06:32,520 You let me think you were dead for two months. 130 00:06:32,622 --> 00:06:35,058 Yeah, we've been meaning to tell you, 131 00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:36,656 but it's been a bit... 132 00:06:36,758 --> 00:06:38,960 - Complicated. - ..complicated. Yeah. 133 00:06:39,062 --> 00:06:39,998 Has it? 134 00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:41,430 Because right now you're acting 135 00:06:41,532 --> 00:06:43,026 like you forgot to put the bins out. 136 00:06:43,129 --> 00:06:46,669 Right, OK. We'll take that as feedback. Yeah. 137 00:06:46,771 --> 00:06:49,240 - Did you put the bins out? - It's not Tuesday, is it? 138 00:06:49,342 --> 00:06:50,735 Oh, William, have you missed the bin? 139 00:06:50,837 --> 00:06:52,439 Sorry. I thought it was Thursday. 140 00:06:52,541 --> 00:06:53,473 - It is Thursday. - No, 141 00:06:53,575 --> 00:06:54,842 the bins go out on a Tuesday. 142 00:06:54,944 --> 00:06:56,676 I don't know about your bins, but today is Thursday. 143 00:06:56,778 --> 00:06:58,173 Is it? So we have missed the bins, then. 144 00:06:58,275 --> 00:07:00,276 Stop talking about the bins! Please, stop. 145 00:07:01,614 --> 00:07:02,778 How are you alive? 146 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:05,081 Well, it's actually... 147 00:07:05,183 --> 00:07:07,490 It's quite a funny story, really. Um... 148 00:07:07,592 --> 00:07:09,990 Tonight on Border Force Australia... 149 00:07:10,092 --> 00:07:13,024 It was a normal Wednesday evening. We'd been watching TV. 150 00:07:13,126 --> 00:07:15,430 - Border Force Australia. - Have you seen it? 151 00:07:15,532 --> 00:07:17,397 - It's very, very good. - So good. 152 00:07:17,499 --> 00:07:18,631 Some of the stuff they try 153 00:07:18,733 --> 00:07:20,271 and smuggle in is extraordinary. 154 00:07:20,373 --> 00:07:22,340 Especially, dare I say it, the Chinese. 155 00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,606 - Oh, don't be racist. - I'm not being racist. 156 00:07:24,708 --> 00:07:26,902 I'm just fascinated by their ingenuity. 157 00:07:27,004 --> 00:07:28,774 There's one couple travelled 158 00:07:28,876 --> 00:07:31,041 all the way from Shanghai to Sydney 159 00:07:31,143 --> 00:07:35,319 with 700 boiled eggs hidden in cuckoo clocks. 160 00:07:35,421 --> 00:07:38,088 - What's all that about? - I don't care. 161 00:07:38,190 --> 00:07:39,389 Oh. All right. Anyway, 162 00:07:39,491 --> 00:07:41,557 your mother went to make a cup of tea. 163 00:07:41,659 --> 00:07:43,356 I'll be the one who makes it, then, shall I? 164 00:07:43,458 --> 00:07:44,661 Thank you very much. 165 00:07:49,131 --> 00:07:50,398 And? 166 00:07:50,500 --> 00:07:52,093 And we didn't have any teabags. 167 00:07:52,195 --> 00:07:53,434 You never have any bloody teabags. 168 00:07:53,537 --> 00:07:54,796 - Don't swear. - Oh, please, 169 00:07:54,898 --> 00:07:55,831 just get on with it. 170 00:07:55,933 --> 00:07:57,839 So I nipped to the shops. 171 00:08:03,614 --> 00:08:05,048 Should have checked your blind spot. 172 00:08:05,150 --> 00:08:06,577 Oh, shut up, Harold. 173 00:08:06,679 --> 00:08:08,944 But when I got back, 174 00:08:09,046 --> 00:08:11,780 your dad was completely zonked. 175 00:08:11,882 --> 00:08:13,388 Out for the count. 176 00:08:13,491 --> 00:08:14,623 It's my own silly fault, really, 177 00:08:14,725 --> 00:08:16,754 because sometimes I struggle to remember 178 00:08:16,856 --> 00:08:18,388 when I've taken my Parky pills. 179 00:08:18,490 --> 00:08:20,994 And that night, I was meant to take them at eight o'clock, 180 00:08:21,096 --> 00:08:24,598 wasn't I, but then I remembered that I'd forgotten 181 00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:26,505 to take them earlier in the day. 182 00:08:27,601 --> 00:08:28,869 So I thought, "Aha, 183 00:08:28,971 --> 00:08:31,508 I'll take a double dose now and catch up." 184 00:08:31,610 --> 00:08:33,639 Unfortunately, because of the Parkinson's, 185 00:08:33,741 --> 00:08:34,743 what I'd forgotten to remember 186 00:08:34,845 --> 00:08:36,445 is that I'd actually not forgotten to remember 187 00:08:36,547 --> 00:08:38,182 to take them earlier in the day. 188 00:08:38,284 --> 00:08:40,718 In fact, I remembered earlier 189 00:08:40,820 --> 00:08:44,122 that I would more than likely forget to take them later, 190 00:08:44,224 --> 00:08:46,919 so I took a double dose earlier 191 00:08:47,022 --> 00:08:49,620 in order to get ahead for when I forgot later. 192 00:08:49,722 --> 00:08:51,021 Which all in all... 193 00:08:51,123 --> 00:08:54,995 Long story short, I took 16 pills, 194 00:08:55,097 --> 00:08:58,163 which frankly is enough to tranquillize a hippopotamus. 195 00:08:58,265 --> 00:09:01,295 And that's a full-size one, not one of the pygmy ones. 196 00:09:01,397 --> 00:09:03,474 Although they are lovely, aren't they? 197 00:09:03,576 --> 00:09:05,870 You know, the little snouts and everything, 198 00:09:05,972 --> 00:09:07,637 and the little snuffling noises. 199 00:09:10,947 --> 00:09:13,851 Anyway, yes. He completely stopped breathing. 200 00:09:13,953 --> 00:09:15,751 William? 201 00:09:15,853 --> 00:09:19,088 William. Wake up! Don't be silly now. Stop it! 202 00:09:19,190 --> 00:09:21,459 William. Um.... 203 00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:25,020 Oh, look who's here. The girls are here. 204 00:09:25,122 --> 00:09:26,998 Look, there's your favourites. 205 00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:28,523 Nyum, nyum, nyum. 206 00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:32,894 No? William... 207 00:09:32,996 --> 00:09:35,206 Stop mucking about. 208 00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:37,972 Susanna Reid's got a skirt on. 209 00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:42,009 No? William! 210 00:09:43,545 --> 00:09:44,743 Oh, God. Oh, God. 211 00:09:44,845 --> 00:09:46,550 So I called for an ambulance, 212 00:09:46,653 --> 00:09:50,281 but they were all busy. So then I called the GP. 213 00:09:50,383 --> 00:09:54,525 Now, unfortunately, the GP around here is Dr Harper. 214 00:09:54,627 --> 00:09:56,992 - Why unfortunately? - Because since Covid, 215 00:09:57,094 --> 00:10:02,601 Dr Harper has developed very, very, very bad health anxiety. 216 00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:09,600 She's a doctor with health anxiety? 217 00:10:09,702 --> 00:10:10,739 Yep. Poor woman. 218 00:10:10,842 --> 00:10:13,609 Every working day her own personal Vietnam. 219 00:10:13,711 --> 00:10:15,939 I don't really want to touch him. 220 00:10:16,041 --> 00:10:17,480 But he's... He's not breathing. 221 00:10:17,582 --> 00:10:18,974 I really don't like doing these. 222 00:10:19,076 --> 00:10:20,350 What do you mean, these? 223 00:10:20,452 --> 00:10:22,180 - Dead bodies. - He's dead? 224 00:10:22,282 --> 00:10:24,286 - He looks it, doesn't he? - Well, I don't know. 225 00:10:24,388 --> 00:10:25,589 I'm not a doctor. 226 00:10:25,692 --> 00:10:28,123 Fine, I'll double-check. What's he called again? 227 00:10:28,225 --> 00:10:29,221 William. 228 00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:33,456 William, can you hear me? 229 00:10:34,858 --> 00:10:35,898 William. 230 00:10:38,501 --> 00:10:40,298 William. 231 00:10:45,507 --> 00:10:46,601 Yeah. No. 232 00:10:50,415 --> 00:10:51,878 Do you have the time? 233 00:10:51,980 --> 00:10:54,314 - What for? - For the form, time of... 234 00:10:54,417 --> 00:10:56,017 You know. 235 00:11:02,227 --> 00:11:04,421 She's just crap. 236 00:11:20,704 --> 00:11:23,879 Oh. Did you manage to record the rest of Border Force? 237 00:11:23,981 --> 00:11:26,382 I really want to know why that man's cricket bag 238 00:11:26,484 --> 00:11:27,851 was full of live crabs. 239 00:11:29,484 --> 00:11:30,781 What? 240 00:11:30,883 --> 00:11:33,184 You massive twat! 241 00:11:33,286 --> 00:11:35,590 - It turns out I hadn't died. - No shit. 242 00:11:35,692 --> 00:11:37,055 Why didn't you tell someone 243 00:11:37,157 --> 00:11:38,993 - it was a mistake? - We tried! 244 00:11:39,095 --> 00:11:42,190 I was on hold with the GP all bloody morning. 245 00:11:42,292 --> 00:11:44,965 It's Broken Britain, Harold. 246 00:11:45,067 --> 00:11:47,568 Anyway, then I went over to see the, um... 247 00:11:47,670 --> 00:11:49,067 Oh, what do you call it? 248 00:11:49,169 --> 00:11:51,475 The house of death. The coffin shop. 249 00:11:51,577 --> 00:11:53,608 - Funeral director? - Yes, yes. 250 00:11:53,710 --> 00:11:54,942 Wait. Why? There was no body. 251 00:11:55,045 --> 00:11:57,441 Well, you'd have thought that, wouldn't you? 252 00:12:02,119 --> 00:12:03,984 He's dead. He can't speak. He can't tell you, can he? 253 00:12:04,086 --> 00:12:06,489 - I didn't lose it. - Somebody lost it. 254 00:12:06,592 --> 00:12:08,120 - Good afternoon, madam. - Hello. 255 00:12:08,222 --> 00:12:10,325 I hope you can help me. It's about my husband. 256 00:12:10,427 --> 00:12:11,590 Of course. Name? 257 00:12:11,692 --> 00:12:13,020 William Fendon. 258 00:12:13,122 --> 00:12:14,595 William Fendon? 259 00:12:14,697 --> 00:12:15,863 You see, the thing is, 260 00:12:15,965 --> 00:12:18,032 he's been declared dead, and, um... 261 00:12:18,134 --> 00:12:20,869 I'm so sorry for your loss. Would you excuse me 262 00:12:20,972 --> 00:12:23,137 for one very quick moment, please? Thank you. 263 00:12:26,137 --> 00:12:27,872 - Good news. - What? 264 00:12:27,974 --> 00:12:29,240 - I found him. - Who? 265 00:12:29,343 --> 00:12:30,944 The bloke in there whose paperwork you lost. 266 00:12:31,046 --> 00:12:32,315 - I didn't lose it! - You bloody did. 267 00:12:32,417 --> 00:12:33,752 Anyway... 268 00:12:35,448 --> 00:12:37,581 Sorry about that. Would you like to see him? 269 00:12:37,683 --> 00:12:38,819 Who? 270 00:12:38,921 --> 00:12:41,221 William. He's just through here. 271 00:12:41,323 --> 00:12:45,360 No, no, that's the thing. See, William isn't dead. 272 00:12:45,462 --> 00:12:47,959 No. Of course. 273 00:12:48,061 --> 00:12:49,800 Is that the death certificate? 274 00:12:49,902 --> 00:12:51,900 Yes. See, that's what I was trying to tell you. 275 00:12:52,002 --> 00:12:53,868 Professional advice - get lots of copies. 276 00:12:53,970 --> 00:12:55,739 You'll need them for the banks, savings, 277 00:12:55,841 --> 00:12:58,634 and, of course, any life insurance policies. 278 00:13:03,644 --> 00:13:04,739 So... 279 00:13:07,085 --> 00:13:11,515 Um... Well, I suppose a quick peek wouldn't hurt. 280 00:13:14,286 --> 00:13:17,125 I'll admit that was a bit naughty. 281 00:13:33,043 --> 00:13:35,871 I hope you're happy with what we've done. 282 00:13:35,973 --> 00:13:37,381 It's... 283 00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:40,016 Yes. He looks lovely. 284 00:13:41,718 --> 00:13:44,482 My...darling William. 285 00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,985 If you want to have a final moment with him, 286 00:13:50,087 --> 00:13:51,258 please go ahead. 287 00:13:52,324 --> 00:13:53,656 No, that's all right. Thank you. 288 00:13:54,929 --> 00:13:56,901 Please. I'm not here. 289 00:13:59,270 --> 00:14:00,300 OK. 290 00:14:06,543 --> 00:14:08,143 There, there. 291 00:14:12,014 --> 00:14:14,779 - Thank you, um... - Marcus. 292 00:14:14,881 --> 00:14:16,149 ..for this. 293 00:14:16,251 --> 00:14:18,219 - It's an honour, Mrs Fendon. - Thank you. 294 00:14:20,056 --> 00:14:22,454 Some people like to have a final kiss. 295 00:14:23,858 --> 00:14:25,754 - Do they? - Yes. 296 00:14:27,167 --> 00:14:28,196 Do they? 297 00:14:29,733 --> 00:14:31,895 - Do they? - Oh, yes. 298 00:14:31,997 --> 00:14:33,300 I'm not here. 299 00:14:35,802 --> 00:14:36,831 Right. 300 00:14:38,037 --> 00:14:39,339 Thank you for that. 301 00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:47,878 They definitely do this, do they? 302 00:14:47,980 --> 00:14:49,481 Mm-hm. Oh, yes. 303 00:14:50,684 --> 00:14:51,714 OK. 304 00:15:01,227 --> 00:15:02,995 - On the lips? - Exactly. 305 00:15:03,098 --> 00:15:05,159 The things I do for this family. 306 00:15:05,261 --> 00:15:06,564 Shubh Diwali. 307 00:15:09,633 --> 00:15:12,343 That's our special thing that we say. 308 00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:13,611 We had a funeral. 309 00:15:13,713 --> 00:15:15,040 Are you telling me we just cremated 310 00:15:15,142 --> 00:15:16,308 some old bloke we'd never met? 311 00:15:16,410 --> 00:15:18,643 Yes. Which actually isn't much different 312 00:15:18,745 --> 00:15:21,645 from a lot of blokes' funerals, not least my own father's. 313 00:15:23,384 --> 00:15:27,088 - This is too much. - Yeah, it's too much. 314 00:15:27,191 --> 00:15:31,523 But you know, when life gives you lemonade... 315 00:15:33,698 --> 00:15:35,261 You don't go out anyway. 316 00:15:35,363 --> 00:15:37,593 I know, but at least I've got the choice. 317 00:15:37,695 --> 00:15:40,398 Well, you've had the choice for 68 years. 318 00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:42,597 What are you going to start missing now? 319 00:15:42,699 --> 00:15:45,040 Laser Quest? Popping round Geoff's 320 00:15:45,142 --> 00:15:47,511 - for a coffee and a crumpet? - Who's Geoff? 321 00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:49,472 Exactly. Geoff has lived 322 00:15:49,574 --> 00:15:51,945 in this village ever since we moved in, 323 00:15:52,047 --> 00:15:53,443 and do you know what he'd say 324 00:15:53,545 --> 00:15:55,418 if I told him, "Oh, William's died"? 325 00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:57,346 Er, "Oh, dear"? 326 00:15:57,448 --> 00:15:59,683 No, he'd say, "Who's William?" 327 00:15:59,785 --> 00:16:02,551 Because, my darling, the wonderful thing about you 328 00:16:02,653 --> 00:16:04,858 is that you might as well have been dead 329 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:06,225 for the last 30 years. 330 00:16:06,327 --> 00:16:08,994 In fact, the only person on this planet 331 00:16:09,096 --> 00:16:10,667 who's going to miss you 332 00:16:10,769 --> 00:16:13,034 - is me. - Yeah. And Harry. 333 00:16:13,136 --> 00:16:15,638 - Well, yeah. - And the grandchildren. 334 00:16:15,740 --> 00:16:18,235 Oh, let's not push it. 335 00:16:18,337 --> 00:16:19,943 But that's the point, isn't it? 336 00:16:20,045 --> 00:16:22,145 Imagine what that money could do for them. 337 00:16:25,544 --> 00:16:28,285 We've been model citizens, haven't we? 338 00:16:28,387 --> 00:16:29,449 Yeah. 339 00:16:29,551 --> 00:16:32,381 You know, we've paid our taxes. We've paid our bills. 340 00:16:32,484 --> 00:16:35,059 We haven't been arrested...much. 341 00:16:36,521 --> 00:16:39,126 And that ghastly insurance company. 342 00:16:39,228 --> 00:16:41,560 Paid all that money all those years, 343 00:16:41,662 --> 00:16:44,362 and what did they say when you got your Parkinson's? 344 00:16:44,464 --> 00:16:47,471 - It wasn't covered. - Yeah, exactly. 345 00:16:47,573 --> 00:16:49,335 The game is rigged. 346 00:16:49,438 --> 00:16:51,941 We're the goodies! We followed all the rules, 347 00:16:52,043 --> 00:16:53,868 and what have we got to show for it? 348 00:16:53,970 --> 00:16:57,807 Sweet Fanny Adams's empty fanny, that's what. 349 00:16:58,874 --> 00:17:00,843 Middle of nowhere in this dingy house 350 00:17:00,945 --> 00:17:04,649 with a dodgy boiler and a garden full of fox shit. 351 00:17:08,459 --> 00:17:11,623 Is Geoff the one who shoves petrol pumps up his jacksie? 352 00:17:13,327 --> 00:17:15,660 - No, that's Pigfish. - Oh! 353 00:17:18,737 --> 00:17:21,061 - It's insane. - Yes. 354 00:17:21,163 --> 00:17:23,736 And I can understand why you might feel a bit put out. 355 00:17:23,838 --> 00:17:25,007 Put out? 356 00:17:25,109 --> 00:17:27,343 I'm not emotionally switched on, am I? 357 00:17:27,445 --> 00:17:31,508 And we did want that money for you and Neha and the boys. 358 00:17:31,610 --> 00:17:32,948 There's more where that came from. 359 00:17:33,050 --> 00:17:34,778 Yeah, I know. I've seen the bag. 360 00:17:36,315 --> 00:17:38,520 How much did you get? 361 00:17:38,622 --> 00:17:40,191 250,000. 362 00:17:40,293 --> 00:17:43,023 Jesus Christ, you've stolen a quarter of a million quid?! 363 00:17:43,125 --> 00:17:44,357 We haven't stolen anything. 364 00:17:44,459 --> 00:17:47,029 We have simply taken back what we paid in. 365 00:17:47,131 --> 00:17:49,031 Yeah, well, plus a little bit more. 366 00:17:49,133 --> 00:17:51,495 Don't be pedantic. Those were expenses. 367 00:17:51,597 --> 00:17:55,431 You two are weapons-grade bonkers. 368 00:17:55,533 --> 00:17:57,234 Balls. 369 00:17:57,336 --> 00:17:58,338 That's Billie and Jean. 370 00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:00,941 - Shamone! - Must you do that every time? 371 00:18:01,043 --> 00:18:02,476 Better get upstairs, then. 372 00:18:06,609 --> 00:18:08,546 - Cooee! - Oh, shit! 373 00:18:08,648 --> 00:18:10,555 - Don't swear, Mother. - Shut up, Harold, 374 00:18:10,657 --> 00:18:12,221 you patronising chode. 375 00:18:12,323 --> 00:18:13,881 Chode? I don't think you know what that means. 376 00:18:13,983 --> 00:18:15,655 We let ourselves in! Hope you don't mind. 377 00:18:15,757 --> 00:18:17,057 No! 378 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:19,926 - Come on in. - How are you? 379 00:18:20,028 --> 00:18:21,431 Why am I in here? 380 00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:22,867 I'm alive. 381 00:18:22,969 --> 00:18:24,460 Did you hear about Geoff at the Londis? 382 00:18:24,562 --> 00:18:27,002 - No... - He fell head-first 383 00:18:27,104 --> 00:18:29,031 into the croissant display cabinet. 384 00:18:29,133 --> 00:18:31,268 And they don't know whether it's the plastic of the case 385 00:18:31,370 --> 00:18:32,537 or a stale croissant, 386 00:18:32,639 --> 00:18:34,876 but something sliced his face right up. 387 00:18:34,978 --> 00:18:36,438 - Oh, Lord. - Yeah. 388 00:18:36,540 --> 00:18:38,077 He'll have a big scar now. 389 00:18:38,179 --> 00:18:39,707 He'll be unrecognisable. 390 00:18:39,809 --> 00:18:41,719 Wouldn't a big scar on your face 391 00:18:41,821 --> 00:18:43,615 make you more recognisable? 392 00:18:43,717 --> 00:18:46,690 "Which one's Geoff?" "The one with the big scar." 393 00:18:46,792 --> 00:18:48,449 Oh, this is interminable. 394 00:18:48,551 --> 00:18:50,026 No, it's not so bad. 395 00:18:50,128 --> 00:18:52,787 It's best when Pamela's not here. 396 00:18:52,889 --> 00:18:55,161 Why? Because Billie's a narcoleptic 397 00:18:55,263 --> 00:18:57,563 and Jean's completely blind. 398 00:18:57,665 --> 00:18:59,467 So when it's just the two of them and your mum 399 00:18:59,569 --> 00:19:02,039 I can be in there with them eating the posh biscuits 400 00:19:02,142 --> 00:19:05,236 without any requirement to make conversation. 401 00:19:05,338 --> 00:19:06,471 It's pretty good, really. 402 00:19:06,573 --> 00:19:08,244 Well, surely they hear you munching. 403 00:19:08,346 --> 00:19:12,049 No, because I suck all the chocolate off first, 404 00:19:12,152 --> 00:19:14,845 and then I let the biscuit melt in my mouth. 405 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:17,520 Right. 406 00:19:18,650 --> 00:19:20,221 I told Geoff he needs stitches, 407 00:19:20,323 --> 00:19:22,388 but he can't go to the hospital now 408 00:19:22,490 --> 00:19:24,321 cos they've ditched the Durston route. 409 00:19:24,423 --> 00:19:25,863 It's Broken Britain, Jean. 410 00:19:25,965 --> 00:19:27,387 And he can't afford a cab, so... 411 00:19:29,098 --> 00:19:30,960 Oh, hello. 412 00:19:33,564 --> 00:19:34,896 Can I use your bog, Deb? 413 00:19:34,998 --> 00:19:37,241 - Yeah. Make yourself at home. - Thank you. 414 00:19:39,207 --> 00:19:40,376 You'll regret saying that. 415 00:19:42,441 --> 00:19:43,977 Oh, that'll set me off. 416 00:19:44,079 --> 00:19:45,380 What do you mean? 417 00:19:45,482 --> 00:19:47,116 Well, once the idea of a pee is put in my head, 418 00:19:47,218 --> 00:19:48,552 I can't think about anything else. 419 00:19:48,654 --> 00:19:49,811 Are you serious? 420 00:19:49,913 --> 00:19:51,713 Once the wee-wee wolf is at the door, 421 00:19:51,815 --> 00:19:53,384 he doesn't take no for an answer. 422 00:19:53,486 --> 00:19:55,688 It's like a Jehovah's Wolf. 423 00:19:57,928 --> 00:19:59,857 Poor old Geoff, eh? 424 00:20:02,495 --> 00:20:04,059 Will you excuse me a minute? 425 00:20:51,380 --> 00:20:53,240 Where has she learned that word? 426 00:20:53,342 --> 00:20:55,880 She knows I'm sensitive about being of stocky stature. 427 00:20:57,285 --> 00:20:59,180 - Dad. - Just a moment. 428 00:21:01,190 --> 00:21:03,657 Ahh. 429 00:21:15,839 --> 00:21:17,201 Oh, Dad. 430 00:21:17,303 --> 00:21:18,606 This is a low. 431 00:21:20,645 --> 00:21:21,972 Mm. 432 00:21:27,045 --> 00:21:31,348 Girls, would you mind dropping this in to Geoff 433 00:21:31,450 --> 00:21:32,983 on your way home? 434 00:21:33,085 --> 00:21:36,023 Just a little contribution towards his taxi from me. 435 00:21:36,125 --> 00:21:37,754 You're a good soul. 436 00:21:37,856 --> 00:21:41,055 Well, no act of kindness is ever wasted. 437 00:21:41,157 --> 00:21:44,392 It is on Geoff. That'll all go on OnlyFans. 438 00:21:44,495 --> 00:21:46,370 Mm. Yeah. 439 00:21:53,402 --> 00:21:55,770 You're still there? What have you been doing all day? 440 00:21:55,872 --> 00:21:57,145 I can't even begin to explain. 441 00:21:57,247 --> 00:21:58,908 Hang on. Two cod meals, please. 442 00:21:59,010 --> 00:22:02,086 And a saveloy, battered, and a pickled egg. 443 00:22:02,188 --> 00:22:04,287 And a curry sauce. And a can of pop. 444 00:22:04,389 --> 00:22:06,016 And one of them choc brownies for afters. 445 00:22:06,118 --> 00:22:08,623 Listen, er, please make sure you're back for bath, OK? 446 00:22:08,725 --> 00:22:11,020 I can't face that alone. I'm feeling very touched out. 447 00:22:11,122 --> 00:22:13,429 Why do you keep using that in the wrong context? 448 00:22:13,531 --> 00:22:15,795 - I really feel it. - Harry, touched out is when 449 00:22:15,897 --> 00:22:17,959 you've spent all day being terrorised by toddlers. 450 00:22:18,061 --> 00:22:21,263 Yeah, I know. Believe me, I feel it. 451 00:22:21,365 --> 00:22:22,802 Bye. 452 00:22:25,343 --> 00:22:28,035 - Right, I've got to go. - Oh, shame. 453 00:22:28,137 --> 00:22:29,275 We haven't had a chance to catch up, 454 00:22:29,377 --> 00:22:30,447 you know, as a family. 455 00:22:30,549 --> 00:22:32,449 Oh, yeah. You want to catch up? OK, cool. What's new? 456 00:22:32,551 --> 00:22:34,875 Well, let's see. Well, in between mourning you, Dad, 457 00:22:34,977 --> 00:22:36,087 and worrying about you, Mum, 458 00:22:36,189 --> 00:22:37,716 and being diagnosed with depression, 459 00:22:37,818 --> 00:22:39,483 I did finally sign up for a Nectar card, 460 00:22:39,585 --> 00:22:40,716 so that's great, isn't it? 461 00:22:40,818 --> 00:22:42,116 Oh, don't. Because your dad 462 00:22:42,218 --> 00:22:44,117 didn't get a chance to spend his points. 463 00:22:44,219 --> 00:22:45,789 Had enough for some wireless headphones. 464 00:22:45,891 --> 00:22:48,132 Oh, what a shame. Any other regrets? 465 00:22:48,234 --> 00:22:50,464 Like the lying, faking your own death? 466 00:22:50,566 --> 00:22:52,096 Spending no time with your grandchildren? 467 00:22:52,198 --> 00:22:54,171 You're always telling your mum what a nightmare they are. 468 00:22:54,273 --> 00:22:55,801 Well, yeah, they are a nightmare. 469 00:22:55,903 --> 00:22:57,736 But they're our nightmare. And I'd be grateful 470 00:22:57,838 --> 00:22:59,477 to palm them off on you from time to time. 471 00:22:59,579 --> 00:23:01,805 Look, don't get me wrong. I'm really happy you're alive. 472 00:23:01,907 --> 00:23:03,447 - Thank you. - I really, really am. 473 00:23:03,549 --> 00:23:04,938 But I'm a bit concerned about your decision-making. 474 00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:06,106 Do you mean the Nectar points? 475 00:23:06,208 --> 00:23:08,348 No, Mum, I mean him hiding in the loft 476 00:23:08,450 --> 00:23:10,179 like a geriatric Anne Frank. 477 00:23:10,281 --> 00:23:12,516 And when he does come downstairs, he pisses himself 478 00:23:12,618 --> 00:23:13,688 in the kitchen cupboard, 479 00:23:13,790 --> 00:23:16,020 and then you just reward him with a pack of biscuits 480 00:23:16,122 --> 00:23:18,053 like a you're potty-training a delinquent cockapoo. 481 00:23:18,156 --> 00:23:21,155 I've wet myself in every supermarket in town, 482 00:23:21,257 --> 00:23:24,233 including both Tescos, Metro and Express. 483 00:23:24,335 --> 00:23:25,668 I'm actually rather proud of it. 484 00:23:25,770 --> 00:23:26,699 Mm. 485 00:23:26,801 --> 00:23:28,432 You probably get a blue plaque for that. 486 00:23:28,534 --> 00:23:29,801 Mum, Dad, please. 487 00:23:29,904 --> 00:23:31,803 Please, this is fraud. You can go to prison. 488 00:23:31,906 --> 00:23:33,604 That canoe couple, they went down for years. 489 00:23:33,706 --> 00:23:36,514 Listen, we didn't start this. 490 00:23:36,616 --> 00:23:40,184 I mean, granted, we didn't stop it either, but you know, 491 00:23:40,286 --> 00:23:42,979 who are we to argue with the NHS? 492 00:23:43,082 --> 00:23:46,015 They're the ones who declared your dad dead. 493 00:23:46,117 --> 00:23:47,917 And spare a thought for poor Dr Harper. 494 00:23:48,019 --> 00:23:49,793 She'd be mortified if she found out. 495 00:23:49,895 --> 00:23:51,261 I've got to go. 496 00:23:51,363 --> 00:23:54,196 Hey, hey, hey. You mustn't tell Neha. 497 00:23:54,299 --> 00:23:56,058 You could put her career at risk. 498 00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:58,359 Well, it's not me who's done that, is it?